It’s that time of year again, when the “Best of” lists are rolling out. Sadly, I am not Time’s 2011 Person of the Year. You won’t find me in the NFL’s Top 100 Players, Rolling Stone’s 50 Best Albums of 2011,The New Yorker’s Favorite Books from 2011 (numbering 37), iTunes’ Top 25 Songs of 2011, E! Top 10 Stylish Stars of the Year, or Forbe’s 5 Top Retail Success Stories of 2011. I am not (thankfully, given The Kompany) on either Barbara Walters’ 10 Most Fascinating People of 2011 list or Gawker’s 10 Least Fascinating People of 2011 list. Salon’s 2011 Hack List? Nope. I didn’t even make Babble’s Top 100 Mom Blogs, which has me and the other estimated 3,999,900 mom bloggers feeling just a smidge left out.
So, in the spirit of the “Best of 2011” season, I decided to put together my very own top 25 list. The only problem is that these days there is precisely one thing in my life that is entirely within my control – my Facebook status updates. Welcome to “Best of My 2011 Status Updates”! I’m posting it now before Facebook – through random-number generator or Mark Zuckerberg’s pet rats in a Skinner box or whatever means they use to decide these things – tells me what my Best 2011 Status Updates are and then posts them in my friends’ News Feed. (Which I predict will happen on Monday, December 26 at 9:36 am EST.)
Best of My 2011 Status Upates
#25 It just seems like you shouldn’t have to start your day with the sentence, “Hey! Don’t pee on your sister!”
#24 It’s snowing. Both the front and the back doors are open. The refrigerator door, too. Come on! Work with me, people!
#23 I was looking for a wineglass but I found Darth Vader in HEAVEN!
#22 “Don’t throw up on the iPad!” And how is YOUR Friday night going?
#21 ”If you’re going to get out of bed, for God’s sake bring the throw up bowl with you!” And how is YOUR morning going?
#20 Taco Tuesday for those family members who did not throw up today. Everyone else gets pablum.
#19 ”Can you make us turkey waffles?” Happy Thanksgiving!
#18 Most of the time, I think I’m just a normal mom. And then I do things like yell, “You boys stop fighting or I’m going to get Nonviolent Peaceforce up in here!!!” Which makes me think I’m not so normal.
#17 A day that starts with threatening your sons with international non-governmental organizations could really only end with teaching your daughter the difference between flipping the bird and the Vulcan “Live long and prosper” sign.
#16 No Comment.
#15 Is it wrong that my first reaction to the Demi/Ashton split is, “Oh no! What will happen to their foundation that works to eliminate sex slavery?”
#14 Burnt the toast. Threw it out the door. Squirrel caught it and scampered away.
#13 I’m thankful for my (ZOMBIE!!!) family and friends.
#12 “No, honey, they are poppy seed muffins. Not hockey seed muffins.”
#11 Today is “World Toilet Day.” That is all.
#10 Better to be a friend hole than that other kind of hole.
#9 Had a brief, friendly chat with my boyz about what to do if a coach wants to bear hug you in the shower.
#8 Accidentally made a reservation for brunch tomorrow at a restaurant in Australia. Stupid World Wide Web!
#7 Apparently my “mom” pheromones are so strong that random German AND Greek children fall asleep on me on transatlantic flights.
#6 That’s right, sweetie. It’s a “coffee blender”, not a “margarita maker”.
#5 Now is as good a time as any to introduce the small fry to Spinal Tap.
#4 Sometimes, it is best just to remain silent. For example, when your 9 year old son says, “Mom, you are a brick house!”
#3 Daughter: “Can I get a Barack Obama Barbie for Christmas?”
Me: “Ummmm…I need to focus on making dinner right now.”
Daughter: “So, is that a YES?”
#2 My Friday night involved a 4th grader, a saxaphone, some sheet music, and two Youtube videos of Boil Them Cabbage Down.
#1. 9 yo son (critiquing little sister on the way she is carrying her babydoll): “You’re never gonna make a good mom.”
6 yo daughter: “Your shirt is on backwards.”
Oops! My Top 25 list is all filled up and I only got as far back as October in my Facebook “Older Posts”! Wait a minute – this is how these these “Best of” lists actually work, isn’t it? They are really just the highlights from the last quarter with maybe one or two standouts thrown in from earlier in the year?
Once Again, No Comment
Postscript: You may be wondering what any of this has to do with human rights. It doesn’t really. But I have learned from working in human rights the importance of humor as a coping mechanism for dealing with the tough things in life. I’ve done a couple of posts on this already: You Really Can’t Make This Stuff Up – Part I and You Really Can’t Make This Stuff Up – Part II. I consider this post to be You Really Can’t Make This Stuff Up – Part III.